i'm trying to learn that i have no control over anyone but myself. i think once i get this through my head i'll be free to be a happier person. i'm tired of worrying about how other people will react to what i say or do. i am who i am. i can't help what i like or dislike. i have a weird sense of humor. i don't care if you think it's weird or not. learn to like it or get away from me.
i believe in energy. it seems like once i let go of trying to will something to happen, once i really am happy with who i am and what i do and the moment im in, i attract others towards me. more specifically one person. once i let go of worrying about what the next move should be, poof, there i am back where i want to be.
this is something i need to get better at.
this isn't meant to make sense.
10.03.2008
10.02.2008
*cough*
blech. i've been feeling like uber crap the last few days. i have some sort of cold that's been traveling around the office. it makes me wish people would stay home when they're sick... but then again i should take my own advice.
it's been getting colder and colder up here. it feels like winter already and it's not even my birthday yet. i'm used to warm weather until at least halloween, so what the eff is up with me wearing a coat to work every morning already? it is a nice change from summer but i'm not quite ready for the impending snow yet.
i love fall. there's something about it that makes me feel like me. i love breaking out the sweatshirts and taking walks as then sun starts to set, and i love being able to smell the leaves beginning their decay. it's such a great feeling. i wish there was a place i could move to that had fall year round. that's definitely where i want to be.
so i went down into campus territory last weekend with my sister and bridget and found quite a few really cute shops. i can't wait to go back and do some christmas shopping in that area. i'm glad i was finally able to get down there and do something scavenging. i wish we lived closer to downtown. madison really does have some cool aspects about it... it's too bad the bad seems to usually outweigh the good.
i never really claimed this city as being mine. i think that's the problem. it's like i've been trying not to get attached or something, and as much as i'd like to attach myself... i'm not quite ready yet.
man, i could really go for a nap right now.
it's been getting colder and colder up here. it feels like winter already and it's not even my birthday yet. i'm used to warm weather until at least halloween, so what the eff is up with me wearing a coat to work every morning already? it is a nice change from summer but i'm not quite ready for the impending snow yet.
i love fall. there's something about it that makes me feel like me. i love breaking out the sweatshirts and taking walks as then sun starts to set, and i love being able to smell the leaves beginning their decay. it's such a great feeling. i wish there was a place i could move to that had fall year round. that's definitely where i want to be.
so i went down into campus territory last weekend with my sister and bridget and found quite a few really cute shops. i can't wait to go back and do some christmas shopping in that area. i'm glad i was finally able to get down there and do something scavenging. i wish we lived closer to downtown. madison really does have some cool aspects about it... it's too bad the bad seems to usually outweigh the good.
i never really claimed this city as being mine. i think that's the problem. it's like i've been trying not to get attached or something, and as much as i'd like to attach myself... i'm not quite ready yet.
man, i could really go for a nap right now.
9.19.2008
tomorrow
well. so much for that. i just talked to my mom this morning and everything just came flooding out like word vomit.
nothing about our relationship, mind you... just about my unhappiness lately. the stuff i've been struggling with that i've wanted so badly to tell her.
it was actually a really good conversation, and it makes me feel so much better. i just wish we could talk like that all the time.
i just hope a week from now i don't regret it. :)
nothing about our relationship, mind you... just about my unhappiness lately. the stuff i've been struggling with that i've wanted so badly to tell her.
it was actually a really good conversation, and it makes me feel so much better. i just wish we could talk like that all the time.
i just hope a week from now i don't regret it. :)
9.17.2008
melodramatic...
my mother and i are complete strangers. this isn't a new realization.
i've been aware of it for for as long as i can remember but until now i've been okay with it. recently though, i've been craving a relationship with her. i want a mother i can tell anything to, who will always want me to be happy... no matter what path i might get on to get there. i want her to listen to me...really, really listen to me. to understand me. to really know who it is that i want to be. i want her to be a secret keeper, a friend. i feel as tho i can't tell either of my parents something b/c i know they'll tell the other person only to discuss it to death and to later confront me with their "findings" and "thoughts" as to what i should really do.. because obviously any ideas i come up with on my own will not be right.
i know she loves me but her love is always guarded. i don't remember her ever playing with my hair, or rubbing my back, or letting me sit on her lap. my dad was always the physically affectionate one. i sat on my dads lap until, well... i still sit on his lap. i can remember being around 10 or 11, trying to sit on my moms lap, starving for affection that only a mother can give her daughter only to be pushed away with "ow, you're hurting me..."
my mother is unlike my father in the fact that she remembers birthdays, can list any ailment that has ever occurred with her kids... she worries over things that will or will not happen, and constantly judges and picks and pries and involves herself in anything that doesn't involve her.
she wants me to live the life that SHE wants and if i even think about straying from that path she "doesn't understand," and plays dumb and thinks i'm being irrational and childish and "i just don't get how life really works." instead of letting people find their own way, make their own mistakes, live their own life... she is quick to remind me that she knows more than i do because she's lived longer. she's seen the big picture. she gets it. only, i find this to be very hypocritical.
she doesn't do anything other than work and come home and watch tv. when other people her age have their own hobbies and interests and things they enjoy doing, she's always too tired.
it's hard to blame her for this, however. she has a heart condition which undoubtedly gives her fatigue. not only that but she's in her late 60's, works full time, and has to come home and take care of my father who has a hard time doing simple tasks on his own anymore. she's a caregiver. she enjoys taking care of others because she's a nurse, that's what they do. it makes her feel needed.
i go back and forth. i blame her, and then i get defensive of her. i want to tell her things, but then i know once i do reality will set in and i will regret it like i always do.
i think when you're younger you expect your parents to be perfect, when really all they are is an improved version of their own parents. it really shows me the kind of parent i want to be... and the kind i hope i never am.
i've been aware of it for for as long as i can remember but until now i've been okay with it. recently though, i've been craving a relationship with her. i want a mother i can tell anything to, who will always want me to be happy... no matter what path i might get on to get there. i want her to listen to me...really, really listen to me. to understand me. to really know who it is that i want to be. i want her to be a secret keeper, a friend. i feel as tho i can't tell either of my parents something b/c i know they'll tell the other person only to discuss it to death and to later confront me with their "findings" and "thoughts" as to what i should really do.. because obviously any ideas i come up with on my own will not be right.
i know she loves me but her love is always guarded. i don't remember her ever playing with my hair, or rubbing my back, or letting me sit on her lap. my dad was always the physically affectionate one. i sat on my dads lap until, well... i still sit on his lap. i can remember being around 10 or 11, trying to sit on my moms lap, starving for affection that only a mother can give her daughter only to be pushed away with "ow, you're hurting me..."
my mother is unlike my father in the fact that she remembers birthdays, can list any ailment that has ever occurred with her kids... she worries over things that will or will not happen, and constantly judges and picks and pries and involves herself in anything that doesn't involve her.
she wants me to live the life that SHE wants and if i even think about straying from that path she "doesn't understand," and plays dumb and thinks i'm being irrational and childish and "i just don't get how life really works." instead of letting people find their own way, make their own mistakes, live their own life... she is quick to remind me that she knows more than i do because she's lived longer. she's seen the big picture. she gets it. only, i find this to be very hypocritical.
she doesn't do anything other than work and come home and watch tv. when other people her age have their own hobbies and interests and things they enjoy doing, she's always too tired.
it's hard to blame her for this, however. she has a heart condition which undoubtedly gives her fatigue. not only that but she's in her late 60's, works full time, and has to come home and take care of my father who has a hard time doing simple tasks on his own anymore. she's a caregiver. she enjoys taking care of others because she's a nurse, that's what they do. it makes her feel needed.
i go back and forth. i blame her, and then i get defensive of her. i want to tell her things, but then i know once i do reality will set in and i will regret it like i always do.
i think when you're younger you expect your parents to be perfect, when really all they are is an improved version of their own parents. it really shows me the kind of parent i want to be... and the kind i hope i never am.
9.04.2008
don't get me started
as a woman, i feel a little offended. does mccain think women who were once voting for hillary are going to sudddenly go running for "hot chick" palin just because she has a vagina? as erin put it, does he think women are going to sniff out the scent of estrogen and follow it wherever it may lead? give us some credit. palin's viewpoints couldn't be further from what hillary was fighting for. with palin in charge, women might as well give up thier own uterus on a platter, god knows they'll have no rights to it whatsoever.
and let's talk a minute about divisiveness. i especially loved how guiliani stood in front of a video screen showing the skyline of NYC after 9/11, when the country was more united than its ever been and constantly spoke of "us" and "them" when referring to republicans and democrats. obama has made every effort to say "americans" not "republicans" or "democrats." we are all fighting for the same country, assholes.
obama talks about a wave of change, while all the mccain camp can seem to do is belittle him. that says to me he doesn't have much of a chance, and he knows it. they worked every angle that bush did during the kerry/edwards campaign of 4 years ago. they belittled, laughed, joked, called him a "flip flopper" and did nothing to tell us how THEY were going to be different than the bush/cheney team we have in office now.
you know what? yes, obama make lack the experience that mccain has. but what has experience gotten us so far? an economy in the dumps, a reputation as a bully, high gas prices, contributions to global warming, an endless war... the list goes on and on.
this is my response to the "no experience" argument. it doesn't take "experience" folks. it takes common sense. it takes a willingness to listen to different viewpoints. it takes a decision maker who's going to make the right decisions for the right reasons. obama will have foreign policy advisors out the yin yang. he'll have hundreds of very experienced people who are willing to give him different viewpoints. he needs to be pragmatic. he needs to be open to change. he needs to inspire people. he needs to prove to the younger generation that politics aren't just for the good old boys.
i want a president who WILL change his mind when given new information. someone who isn't stubborn in the way that he thinks. someone who doesn't think god speaks directly to him. someone who see's we're in a losing war.
mccain says he's going to fight to the gates of hell to find bin laden. well you know what - no he's not! he's going to be sitting in his cush office while our brothers, fathers, sons, children, sisters, daughters etc are searching caves and getting killed for someone who knows those caves like the back of his hand.
hes's a hot head who's proven he makes rash decisions by picking sarah palin - someone who was chosen for all the wrong reasons to be a stones throw away from the white house.
i'm all for women in office - but it's disgusting that he picks the wrong woman for all the wrong reasons and thinks we're too blind to see through it.
i hope americans are smarter than that.
and let's talk a minute about divisiveness. i especially loved how guiliani stood in front of a video screen showing the skyline of NYC after 9/11, when the country was more united than its ever been and constantly spoke of "us" and "them" when referring to republicans and democrats. obama has made every effort to say "americans" not "republicans" or "democrats." we are all fighting for the same country, assholes.
obama talks about a wave of change, while all the mccain camp can seem to do is belittle him. that says to me he doesn't have much of a chance, and he knows it. they worked every angle that bush did during the kerry/edwards campaign of 4 years ago. they belittled, laughed, joked, called him a "flip flopper" and did nothing to tell us how THEY were going to be different than the bush/cheney team we have in office now.
you know what? yes, obama make lack the experience that mccain has. but what has experience gotten us so far? an economy in the dumps, a reputation as a bully, high gas prices, contributions to global warming, an endless war... the list goes on and on.
this is my response to the "no experience" argument. it doesn't take "experience" folks. it takes common sense. it takes a willingness to listen to different viewpoints. it takes a decision maker who's going to make the right decisions for the right reasons. obama will have foreign policy advisors out the yin yang. he'll have hundreds of very experienced people who are willing to give him different viewpoints. he needs to be pragmatic. he needs to be open to change. he needs to inspire people. he needs to prove to the younger generation that politics aren't just for the good old boys.
i want a president who WILL change his mind when given new information. someone who isn't stubborn in the way that he thinks. someone who doesn't think god speaks directly to him. someone who see's we're in a losing war.
mccain says he's going to fight to the gates of hell to find bin laden. well you know what - no he's not! he's going to be sitting in his cush office while our brothers, fathers, sons, children, sisters, daughters etc are searching caves and getting killed for someone who knows those caves like the back of his hand.
hes's a hot head who's proven he makes rash decisions by picking sarah palin - someone who was chosen for all the wrong reasons to be a stones throw away from the white house.
i'm all for women in office - but it's disgusting that he picks the wrong woman for all the wrong reasons and thinks we're too blind to see through it.
i hope americans are smarter than that.
7.30.2008
7.18.2008
a simple request
be more like myself. that's what i jotted down on my notecard of goals this morning. it just kind of came to me all of a sudden. i need to stop focusing on transforming myself to meet the needs and personalities of those around me and just start accepting myself for who i really am. i have ups, i have downs. i can be really excited about something one minute and the next be really crabby. that shouldn't come as a shock to most people. :)
after i wrote it though i just kind of smiled as it was such a simple request among the other goals i've been making for myself lately. i'm not the kind of person that usually has goals. i honestly don't know what it feels like to set a goal for myself and then achieve it. i'm so lax, i mostly play things by ear or just let them play out in whichever way they seem to. well, shit just doesn't get done when i do it that way. i'm starting small and i'm not even going to tell anyone what these goals are - but it's about damn time i started making some.
dennis asked me awhile ago if there was anywhere i had ever wanted to go all my life, or anything i had always wanted to do. well, the answer is no. there's never been some magical place in my mind where i've always wanted to travel and i've never really had anything i had a strong desire to do. i think that's where all my listlessness comes from - a lack of drive, nothing to reach out and strive for. i don't want to envy those people who have their goals laid out in front of them, checking them off one by one like a to-do list, i want to be that person. i'm done sitting on the sidelines. it's time for less talk and more action.
after i wrote it though i just kind of smiled as it was such a simple request among the other goals i've been making for myself lately. i'm not the kind of person that usually has goals. i honestly don't know what it feels like to set a goal for myself and then achieve it. i'm so lax, i mostly play things by ear or just let them play out in whichever way they seem to. well, shit just doesn't get done when i do it that way. i'm starting small and i'm not even going to tell anyone what these goals are - but it's about damn time i started making some.
dennis asked me awhile ago if there was anywhere i had ever wanted to go all my life, or anything i had always wanted to do. well, the answer is no. there's never been some magical place in my mind where i've always wanted to travel and i've never really had anything i had a strong desire to do. i think that's where all my listlessness comes from - a lack of drive, nothing to reach out and strive for. i don't want to envy those people who have their goals laid out in front of them, checking them off one by one like a to-do list, i want to be that person. i'm done sitting on the sidelines. it's time for less talk and more action.
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