well that teaches me to write shit on post it notes. i was feeling a bit scatter brained yesterday and wrote some blog topics on a post-it note. well, guess what? said post-it note is now MIA. ugh. i keep telling myself that i couldn't have divulged too much of my inner craziness on the space of a post-it note, but my inner craziness keeps freaking out a bit. i envision that little yellow piece of sticky paper in the hands of the enemy, snickering about all my troubled thoughts. but would the enemy even know it was i who had written it? prob'ly not. on that note - who's the enemy, even? they were blog topics so its obviously not anything diary-worthy. coz let's face it folks, while i'm getting a bit better at being my honest self here on this here blog - i tell my diary much juicier topics. i hope that doesn't hurt the feelings of my audience of two.
okay, that's not true. i don't even really write in a diary. partially for fear of somebody finding it, but really because i don't like going back and reading what i wrote. i always end up sounding like some 13 year old girl who's obsessed with hanson (still). there's really not even anything very juicy to write in it. just the thought of someone really being in my thoughts is something that stresses me out. and that can't even really be true either coz here i am ranting in verdana.
okay, maybe there are a few juicy topics - but if i won't even write them in a diary i'm most definitely not writing them here!
i heard the other day that scott peterson has a blog. apparently everyone has a blog now. except my mom i hope. that would be weird. but anyway. i wanted to search out scotts blog. (no, we're not on a first name basis.) i'm not even sure why. just sounded like the thing to do.
7.17.2008
7.15.2008
speaking of dark knights...
i am so super pumped to go see the new batman movie. with all the hype surrounding it, i just hope i can get tickets. luckily, st. louis has about 40 million more theaters than madison so i should be able to see it somewhere this weekend. i half thought about buying tickets online but i don't know who all is going to be going... and i wasn't about to blow 50 bucks reserving tickets for a date and time that would leave me going by myself to the most expensive movie experience of my lifetime. oh oh oh, ijustcantwait!
i'm gonna be one poor child this month. july always has the best movies and they always come out back to back. the new x files movie comes out soon as well as mamma mia and step brothers. i just need to take a weekend and spend the entire time at the theater. pay for one - sneak into the rest. it'd be like junior high all over again! now all i need is a boy to makeout with in the back row. wait, eff that. i'd rather watch the movie!
7.10.2008
my dark knight
i have a fake boyfriend. no, i didn't stutter. i have a fake boyfriend. does he know he's my fake boyfriend? of course not, that's just silly. now even though this relationship blooms only in the inner most depths of my mind, i was still mildly depressed to find out here in reality he's married AND it appears he has a kid.
do i know he's the proud father of a little girl? no, but she sure does look a lot like him! that's enough in my books to make my sudo-relationship crumble into pieces.
okay so do i sound a little bit crazy right now? well, yes.
but let me lay it out for you; i think most girls have fake boyfriends. so why do we feel the need to make believe our way into happiness? simple, because our fake boyfriend can be anything we want him to be. he can be the perfect man; the one on the white horse, the one who saves us from danger, and cooks us breakfast when he's done folding the laundry.
i think most real boyfriends start out this way. there's always this "he is" factor in a new relationship. "he is going to be the one who sweeps me off my feet." "he is going to be the one the songs are about." and then the newness wears off and you're stuck with a smelly guy who leaves his socks everywhere. the romantic sides seeps back inside and the spark is gone.
i think its the media that really fucks us girls over. they give us some scewed reality of jim and pam, or of carrie and big and then our expectations are set too high. we want someone to give us goosebumps, and who always has the right thing to say to make us smile.
so what do we do? we create someone. we pick out a cute boy, and imagine that he's our one and only. we imagine that he's the one who gives us the stomach drop, the butterflies, the feeling of floating on air. we close our eyes and imagine.
...and we hope to god that he never finds out.
do i know he's the proud father of a little girl? no, but she sure does look a lot like him! that's enough in my books to make my sudo-relationship crumble into pieces.
okay so do i sound a little bit crazy right now? well, yes.
but let me lay it out for you; i think most girls have fake boyfriends. so why do we feel the need to make believe our way into happiness? simple, because our fake boyfriend can be anything we want him to be. he can be the perfect man; the one on the white horse, the one who saves us from danger, and cooks us breakfast when he's done folding the laundry.
i think most real boyfriends start out this way. there's always this "he is" factor in a new relationship. "he is going to be the one who sweeps me off my feet." "he is going to be the one the songs are about." and then the newness wears off and you're stuck with a smelly guy who leaves his socks everywhere. the romantic sides seeps back inside and the spark is gone.
i think its the media that really fucks us girls over. they give us some scewed reality of jim and pam, or of carrie and big and then our expectations are set too high. we want someone to give us goosebumps, and who always has the right thing to say to make us smile.
so what do we do? we create someone. we pick out a cute boy, and imagine that he's our one and only. we imagine that he's the one who gives us the stomach drop, the butterflies, the feeling of floating on air. we close our eyes and imagine.
...and we hope to god that he never finds out.
7.09.2008
i have a complaint
a good friend of mine is in the works of getting a divorce. i won't pretend i know the whole story, but from the bits and pieces i do know, i can't say i blame her one bit.
i take that last statement back. i don't blame anyone for getting a divorce. if you're unhappy enough to the point of wanting one, then it's probably for the best. who am i to judge? it's for sure not my place. what is my place though is to be there for my friend, and to side with her 100%. i don't think i'm the kind of friend who will let you make a stupid decision without letting you know i think it's a stupid decision - but i'll still back you no questions asked.
that being said, onto my complaint. so i signed onto AIM the other day and i wasn't on for 2 seconds before boom her husband messages me. if there was a prize given out to those who could guess what the approaching conversation would entail - i would've won it hands down. so of course i get the whole "whoa is me" attitude. the "i still love her" comments, and the "i'd do anything to get her back" promises. was i suprised? of course not. what did suprise me however, was the fact that he had the balls to even take this route to get to her.
as my daddy always said, i didn't just fall off the potato wagon. i'm not stupid. i knew he was hoping somewhere deep down that i would say, "oh wow, she's totally misjudged you (you big giant asshole)... i should go tell her what a big mistake she's making." well if that's what you though then you've obviously misjudged me. YEAH I SAID IT.
the reason girls and guys each have their own respective friends is for this reason. her friends side with her and your friends side with you. nice try buddy, but you're gonna have to try a lot harder to fool me.
i take that last statement back. i don't blame anyone for getting a divorce. if you're unhappy enough to the point of wanting one, then it's probably for the best. who am i to judge? it's for sure not my place. what is my place though is to be there for my friend, and to side with her 100%. i don't think i'm the kind of friend who will let you make a stupid decision without letting you know i think it's a stupid decision - but i'll still back you no questions asked.
that being said, onto my complaint. so i signed onto AIM the other day and i wasn't on for 2 seconds before boom her husband messages me. if there was a prize given out to those who could guess what the approaching conversation would entail - i would've won it hands down. so of course i get the whole "whoa is me" attitude. the "i still love her" comments, and the "i'd do anything to get her back" promises. was i suprised? of course not. what did suprise me however, was the fact that he had the balls to even take this route to get to her.
as my daddy always said, i didn't just fall off the potato wagon. i'm not stupid. i knew he was hoping somewhere deep down that i would say, "oh wow, she's totally misjudged you (you big giant asshole)... i should go tell her what a big mistake she's making." well if that's what you though then you've obviously misjudged me. YEAH I SAID IT.
the reason girls and guys each have their own respective friends is for this reason. her friends side with her and your friends side with you. nice try buddy, but you're gonna have to try a lot harder to fool me.
7.07.2008
pending
this time, i'm writing my blog before i title it. take that, order of things!
so. i've been in a funk as of late. i'm kind of categorizing it as a sort of "mid life crisis." (could i make that sentence any more non-commital?) that's how i've been feeling lately - very non-commital. very, "is this all there is?" it kind of scares me though - because i'm at a point in my life that people strive to be at. i have an okay job, i'm married, we have a nice house, etc, etc, etc. sure, this is where i want to be - maybe by the time i'm 30. i guess i don't really know what i thought my life was going to be like. i've always been a "we'll play it by ear" kind of girl - not really thinking about the consequences that often accompany actions.
i should clarify. by consequences i don't mean the kind that always follow bad decisions. what i mean is this; every action has a reaction. i guess i just stopped worrying about what reactions my actions would entail.
so where do i go from here? when a good friend of mine told me i was too old to get a piercing, i realized i am past a point in my life where i can really justify bad decisions - passing them off as just another adolescent mistake. but while i'm too old to run around frantically searching for my place in life, i'm also realizing that i'm very young - and i'm still feeling my way around trying to figure out what the point of it all is.
so what's the point? that's what i'm still grasping at straws trying to figure out. it's a weird limbo i'm in because i'm not in a huge depressed state of "oh whoa is me, whats the point of this life?" its a inquisitive prodding, a look left and a look right. it's a girl trying to gain the courage to place her foot over that line and step out on her own - even if that path may lead in no direction at all.
so. i've been in a funk as of late. i'm kind of categorizing it as a sort of "mid life crisis." (could i make that sentence any more non-commital?) that's how i've been feeling lately - very non-commital. very, "is this all there is?" it kind of scares me though - because i'm at a point in my life that people strive to be at. i have an okay job, i'm married, we have a nice house, etc, etc, etc. sure, this is where i want to be - maybe by the time i'm 30. i guess i don't really know what i thought my life was going to be like. i've always been a "we'll play it by ear" kind of girl - not really thinking about the consequences that often accompany actions.
i should clarify. by consequences i don't mean the kind that always follow bad decisions. what i mean is this; every action has a reaction. i guess i just stopped worrying about what reactions my actions would entail.
so where do i go from here? when a good friend of mine told me i was too old to get a piercing, i realized i am past a point in my life where i can really justify bad decisions - passing them off as just another adolescent mistake. but while i'm too old to run around frantically searching for my place in life, i'm also realizing that i'm very young - and i'm still feeling my way around trying to figure out what the point of it all is.
so what's the point? that's what i'm still grasping at straws trying to figure out. it's a weird limbo i'm in because i'm not in a huge depressed state of "oh whoa is me, whats the point of this life?" its a inquisitive prodding, a look left and a look right. it's a girl trying to gain the courage to place her foot over that line and step out on her own - even if that path may lead in no direction at all.
6.16.2008
do you remember...
trading pogs? all the different shades of jellies ~ pink with sparkles, clear like cinderella...? new kids on the block bed sheets, out of this world, playing house in my parents basement - hanging up thick teal curtains to be our fake walls? squishing lightening bugs between our fingers, running around barefoot - feet like indians? how it felt the first day of summer when we'd go to bangert pool, jumping in the water eyes closed and noses pinched? making clubs outside the gym doors on the steps that led down to the playground, talking about boys we thought were cute and those we thought definitely were not? riding our bikes, not going home until the sun began to set, picking rollie pollies from underneath bricks and stone? mud pies, pretending like we were runaways, picking cicadas off of trees - their thin legs stuck perfectly in the bark? hiding the party invitation for gary and greg because we didn't want boys at my party ~ and realizing that we couldn't fool my mom as easily as we had thought? tape on socks, our first BOP magazine and the first feeling in our stomachs of being in *love*? light as a feather/stiff as a board, streaking the in the alley, and playing truth or dare? cassette tapes, pressing rewind, and making plays to beauty and the beast in the basement - trying to charge for evening shows?
growing up, growing apart, and then growing back together?
some of the best memories of my life are those i have with my friends ~ all of you. and i am so thankful to still have those that matter in my life. we've all gotten older, but i hope that each of you know how much you mean to me still even if we no longer have long summer nights of dirt and grass stains, sweat and laughter.
jenny said it best:
our relationship ebbs and flows ~ and it is that, i am most thankful for.
growing up, growing apart, and then growing back together?
some of the best memories of my life are those i have with my friends ~ all of you. and i am so thankful to still have those that matter in my life. we've all gotten older, but i hope that each of you know how much you mean to me still even if we no longer have long summer nights of dirt and grass stains, sweat and laughter.
jenny said it best:
our relationship ebbs and flows ~ and it is that, i am most thankful for.
5.24.2008
breaking point
well, no suprise there; laura hasn't updated a blog in, well, a long ass time. we all knew it would come to this and frankly, i'm not going to punish myself for falling into the same old routine as i always do.
to be honest, i've been struggling as of late. i've lost control of a lot in my life and i'm trying hard to regain my balance. while i love my job and madison has grown on me a bit more i find myself missing st. louis and the friendships i had there.
actually, i don't really even think it's that.
i think when you're younger everyone has this fairy tale idea of what life is like and i'm just now starting to realize my vision was completely scewed and that life is never going to turn out how i thought it was when i was 9 or 10.
i'm learning to trust myself and my instincts and to take things as they come - that seems to be the one thing i can control.
to be honest, i've been struggling as of late. i've lost control of a lot in my life and i'm trying hard to regain my balance. while i love my job and madison has grown on me a bit more i find myself missing st. louis and the friendships i had there.
actually, i don't really even think it's that.
i think when you're younger everyone has this fairy tale idea of what life is like and i'm just now starting to realize my vision was completely scewed and that life is never going to turn out how i thought it was when i was 9 or 10.
i'm learning to trust myself and my instincts and to take things as they come - that seems to be the one thing i can control.
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